I was awake early. 4am. This seems to be the new hour I wake up. It used to be 2.30am. My mind immediately floods with a list of all the things I need to do; should have done; forgotten about; I fret and worry. I must consciously shut down all thoughts and images and I usually say the Jesus Prayer. Today, after about 15 minutes I gave up and got out of bed. I am struggling with the change that has been imposed upon myself. I know I need to push through it and move forward. I KNOW that but for some reason it is incredibly difficult. I wonder if I could have said NO I don't want to move - stronger. Could I have pushed harder to prevent the move? It is a done deal and there is no point to this thought. I think I have grasped that. They are moving me because they need me to do a job. It is a compliment that they think I can do it. I will work with someone with whom I am very fond. Starbucks is a short walk away. I need to stop thinking about what I am leaving behind. It is not the end of the world. I still have a job. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need coffee.
2 comments:
I struggle in this way too. insomnia, anxiety; have realized lately that changing being so hard for me is actually a sign of anxiety. I have declared war on it but know it will be a long hard battle.
wondering if the caffine you have in the coffee may increase anxiety or insomnia? (just wondering).
I am getting the book F. M-Green wrote on the Jesus Prayer; I need to pray this prayer more!
Who hasn't had nights like that? Not that I diminish your worry and fears...you are right though - it's good to have a job and a compliment to your skills that they think you can do more. I was just telling Oldest, and now I'll tell you: give in to it and go with the change! If it's not right for you, you will know, but the chances are it is just DIFFERENT.
Be well.
Worry less.
(Words I should listen to as well.)
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