#reverb10 catch up Dec 24th

Prompt:  Everything's OK.  What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright.  And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

Author -  Kate Inglis

I spend a lot of time thinking about this prompt.  There really are two moments that come together for me.  I could not decide between the two... so I give you both. because really, they work together and I can.  Both revolve around my son.  He has the best smile ever.  He smiles with his eyes and his heart.  He shows you when he is delighted.  He feels.  But, for the last bit of his life he has been guarding his heart and his delight.  He has been trying on different roles and he is searching for himself.  I know this and while I can understand it intellectually it has been very challenging for me - heart wrenching to see the son I knew disappear into a void,  into a world that I had very little impact and influence.  I chose to insulate my own heart from further rejection and risk.  I became more reserved with my own love.  I unconsciously built a wall around myself.

But, over the break I had the good fortune to sit across the room from him - listening to one of our good friend's share a story and his face broke into this smile that cracked my heart wide open.  His eyes shone  and the delight in the other was fully present.   It was but a moment, but it was enough for me to recognize him and to let go of the love I had firmly bound within myself and my heart relaxed and I took a deep breath and realized it was going to be OK. 

The other moment was when we were discussing our word choices for 2011.  We chose words last year - my children humored me and chose words - but did not really get into the reasoning why... but they did it.  This year I started prepping them early.  They have another year of life and experience behind them and this time there was some thought put into the choice.  My daughter picked her word - SERENE - fairly early on in the process - my son took longer.  When he finally told me his word - BELIEVE - I was speechless.  It is the perfect word for him.  For us.  For moving forward.  It is going to be OK.

So when the moments come and I doubt - and for certain there will be more moments - I have these two memories to draw upon and I will move myself forward with the hope that I have seen.