Thursday, July 25, 2013

spotlight or the examined life

July is winding down.  The weather has been spectacular.  When I go back through my archives the last couple of years there has been rain and cool temps - not so this summer.  I force myself to acknowledge just how wonderful it is to sit outside on the deck in the evenings.  When we eat dinner together take our meals outside.  Tuesday the four of us were home for dinner at the same time.  It was just so lovely.... I almost tear up at the memory.  I miss my children.  I miss the life that once was.... it is difficult to articulate.  I miss our togetherness.  Cohesiveness maybe?  We are more spread out.  We see each other everyday in spurts and starts.  But, I sense the slow separation too.

I am still struggling with the transition to my new role.  I love my job.  I have still so much to learn.  It is very difficult at times.  But, the possibility for success is there and I do believe that I will get to a point where it is not so difficult.... most days I believe it.  Some days (usually nights) I do not and worry is overwhelming.  My tradition has given me a most practical prayer that I repeat over and over again and I can usually get back to sleep.  The new day always brings hope.  So there is that.  And that is pretty great.

I hear from friends that they are proud of me... that I am lucky to be doing something different.  I articulated out loud at lunch that if I knew how difficult this path would have been and the cost it has taken; I would not have left my old job.  I am in the crazy place now where I can only go forward.   I am glad I took the step and that I had the courage to do it; but now I need to the strength to keep moving.   It is like I took a walk down a path and I have lost my guideposts and landmarks... I need another crossroad.

I miss my friends who have moved away.

1 comment:

elizabeth said...

Yeah, I sensed all you wrote. That prayer is a very good one; our lifeline really. Nights are hard, I understand. Have no idea, but could you ever go back to your old or a similar job? I guess discernment about these things and what fits us best takes a lot of time. It is not easy. I understand this.

I would totally miss family together too; it is right that they grow up and learn to be adults but missing being a parent of not-yet-adults is very real.

I still miss lots of my friends and know all about this.

Will light a lampada for you.

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